The Winning Of Not Winning: A letter from a contestant

If you scroll down to the previous blog entry, you will see the winners of the Fiction Writer's Winter Solstice Writing Contest. This blog entry is about not winning.

Janet King, whose submission did not win, struggled with her Inner Critic over the issue and wonderfully, she sent me the story of her struggle over submitting and "losing". Hers is an inspiring story of turning "loss" into true creative and personal victory. Read her letters here and, please, if you have feelings or an emotional response, click on "comment" at the bottom of this entry and write on!

The dialogue that emerges could be the biggest payoff from the contest!

Here are Janet's Letters:: Or Janet Wages War Against the Inner Critic and Wins!

Letter #1

Dear Emily,

You asked for my/our feelings about entering the contest, ideas for future contests, etc.

Here goes:

I didn't enter the contest to win. The contest became the occasion and the inspiration to write what I wrote. I wrote what I wrote for a number of reasons. I wrote the piece to make sense out of the biggest skeleton in my closet. I wrote it to gain wisdom from this dark part of my past. I wrote it to discover and enumerate the life lessons that the experience holds for me. . I wrote it to understand dark journeys in general.

I did it "for Katie". (Katie is the main character in the novel Janet is writing.) Consciously, I wrote the piece to better understand Katie and her dark journey. Unconsciously, I think, I wrote it to separate myself from Katie and free Katie to go on her own journey. In short, I wrote the memoir/essay, if the truth be known, virtually for myself alone.

Having said all that, you'd think that I would have received your letter with relative nonchalance, but nope!! I was surprised at the flood of hurt and rejection I did feel (oh, no, not again!), and at the fury and abuse the Inner Critic hurled at me. (You suck! Your writing sucks! "I want you to give up writing, since you're obviously no good at it!" Drop dead!, etc., etc.) But I was also pleased to discover that I have substantial inner resources to deal with adversity and that I've grown a lot in my ability to fight back when situations like "losing contests" occur and the Inner Critic has a field day

Before I elaborate on this, I want to say that I feel really lucky to have found you, Emily and I'm proud to have you as my teacher and friend. YOU took a risk in having the contest, and I'd be curious to know how you feel about it, now that it's nearing its end. I know from personal experience that giving pain is as bad or worse than experiencing pain, so be assured that I don't on any level feel rejected by you AS A PERSON.

A part of me (the ego-driven, Inner Critic part) does feel rejected as a writer. BUT ... The fact that I'm hurting, or feeling rejected, or beating myself up at all illustrates exactly what I wrote in my piece--i.e., "The things that call from the ego are less important than the things that call from the soul; but the things that call from the ego are louder and more insistent, so we think they're more important." In other words, entering the contest has helped me to "lose" the contest! That's pretty cool! When I let go of ego, I discover that I'm actually looking forward to reading the winning entries.

Other cool things: I had a silent adult tantrum last night upon reading the letter. But then I pictured myself actually having the tantrum--kicking, screaming, etc--and I laughed. I have never before been able to laugh at myself in such a situation; this is a first. Also, when I intentionally listened to the Inner Critic, the Inner Critic was more forthcoming than usual about his/her motives, as in this excerpt:

"Me": You know what? I don't have time to listen to your destructive abuse.
I've got a life to live, a novel to write. Besides, it's YOU you're abusing, ever think of that?

Inner Critic: Actually, I abuse you so that others won't abuse you as badly. I'm your friend.

Me? (smiling) That's a load of crap. As our father, used to say, "With friends like that, who needs enemies?"

Inner Critic: Precisely. I protect you from enemies, and you had many. Remember?

Me: Yeah, a million years ago, when I was six. Now I only have one--you. I don't need your protection You've outlived your usefulness, if you ever had any. You're not a "friend." You're not my mother (though you sound a little like her).....

I'm writing all of this to you because of the trust issue you raised and also to get it off of my chest. Sometimes you do have to lose to win. Put differently, sometimes one learns a lot more from losing than from winning. You've mentioned the downsides of sponsoring contests that your own students can enter (and lose). The upside of such a contest is that I and others in my position do get to share and process their feelings with the "judge." That doesn't happen in most, if any, writing contests.

Thanks for listening!!!

Love, Janet


Letter #2
Dear Emily,

A couple more thoughts occurred to me that might be of use to you and others. We live in a culture where it's okay, even praiseworthy, to take risks--as long as you win! Witness, for instance, the college admissions process. When my son went through this process two years ago, we visited a dozen institutions of higher learning, from the highly selective, to the safety-school variety, and every single admissions officer in these place told us, "We're looking for students who challenge themselves by taking the most rigorous courses their high schools have to offer."

In the next breath, these admissions people said that they were looking for people who got A's or B's in these "killer" courses. In other words: "Challenge yourself, but for godsake, don't get a C."

I thought to myself: How inhumane can you get! "Challenging yourself" by definition means that sometimes you WILL get a C. That's what "challenging yourself" means. No wonder high school students are overeating, under-eating, drinking, doing drugs, cutting themselves, etc.

How does this relate to the contest? I think this "take risks but don't fail" attitude in our external culture gives our Inner Critics lots of "good" stuff to work with, and that perhaps we can help one another cope with this "failure is unacceptable" attitude in the outside world.

How? Here's one thought: Sometimes the act of risk-taking in and of itself can be satisfying, even exhilarating. Conversely, not taking the risk can make you feel deprived, unfulfilled, chronically unhappy, dead. You feel comfortable and safe, but you also feel miserable...

When I sent in my manuscript, I felt a sense of triumph for having gotten the words down on paper in believable form and sent them out to the universe. I felt good, not because I "won," but because I'd done it.

There's this country song, "I Hope You Dance" that's incredibly cheesy, but it really does sum up what I'm trying to say:

"I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger ...
Promise me you'll give faith a fighting chance
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance."

When all is said and done, I'm glad I "danced."

Love, Janet


Letter #3, received on 2/20:
Hi, Emily!

Another cool thing: Whether it's because of the GREAT session we had last week, or the place where I "am" in the novel, or the contest and how it strengthened our relationship, I am having the time of my life in my writing right now!!! Who would have thought that "losing" a contest could have that benefit? I should "lose" more often!!! So should we all!

Love, Janet

Please join the discussion and write about your feelings and experiences!